What is positive parenting? What comes to your mind when you hear the word good parenting? Majority of the children are born ‘gifted’ and merely require the correct career path to become ‘geniuses’. Alan Arkin, an American – Actor compares career to a large ocean and choosing career option to deciding which wave to take and which not to take.
Some waves are big and some small, going is sometimes rough and sometimes calm and life certainly is not a steady march to glory….Then the big question is how to discover and exercise the right choice?
If seniors try to compel their children to select a stream according to their own choices, for which their children do not have the least interest, the result may sometimes be disastrous. Most parents wish their children to make them proud and be rich and famous.
They perceive their offsprings to be an extension of themselves, considering them as an entity rather than individual in their own rights, with needs and desires of their own.
Parents have a vital role in building a right career for their children. Parents are justified to wish their teenagers all the success and the best ‘survival instinct of the fittest’ in the modern world is to be equipped with the right career path.
But, are the parents equipped to play the right role as career guides for their children? A simple reality is that the world is a very different place today, to the one which was faced by parents when making study, training or career-related decisions regarding themselves. Positive parenting is about understanding the need of a child.
New jobs are being created all the time, and it seems many naukaris open to young people today didn’t even exist a decade ago. Over the last twenty years or so, the school, college and career search process has become extremely complicated, to be left to individual families to explore!
In this complex world, who then is helping your child to discover the right subjects or opt for correct career selection? Fortunately, there are many avenues today like advertisements, internet, u-tubes, websites and people involved in the process including teachers, career counselors, and tutors etc. The challenge is that they may have their own biases and perspective, against which we need to protect the child.
Then there is peer pressure and herd mentality to ward off. In this entire gamut, what is definitely missing is a scientific method for effective stream and career selection. So what should a father or mother do? Whom to consult? What method to adopt? so that there is less likelihood of making a mistake and there are more chances of success.
What is existential crisis?
I am writing this as my first blog post and straight of the bat, I want to address a big issue. This issue is a feeling. It is a feeling that people experience in their lives at one point or another and you too must have felt it at least once.
Don’t you sometimes get the feeling that you are wasting your life, that you lack a sense of purpose or direction? A feeling of not living your life to the fullest. It almost feels like you have lost the battle of life and you feel defeated, confused and sense of panic is prevalent on your outer surface.
This panic is the byproduct of frustrations you have been dealing in your life and it feels like all of a sudden it all comes crashing down on you, all at once. The emotional burden that you feel at that point is called an “Existential Crisis”.
Experiential crisis is common to everyone, just that different people handle it differently. Everyone in life develops a coping mechanism for this feeling.
It might be a quiet hobby for some, a wild night of partying for others but this feeling seldom goes away if you try to sweep it under the rug. The important thing to do is to admit that there is a definitive problem in your life and you need to take actions to correct this issue.
The pain that comes from inaction is huge but it’s nothing compared to the regret that you will feel after some time.
Take me for example. I have had a few crises in my life. When I was in XIIth I was preparing hard for IIT. Didn’t get through. That almost crushed me, my hope to do something in life was gone.
Life seems quite hellish, even though I managed to get into a good college. It was just my mindset at that time. Nothing seemed right. I felt like a failure and thought that my only purpose in life was to get into IIT and prove I wasn’t a failure.
So, I prepared for it again. Didn’t get through. Dropped a year in college because of that. This caused a great deal of stress to me, I felt unhappy and got into depression. Eventually, I came out of it. And I realized that the key is a 3-step process.
Which means, take an action in life. Then review its effects. And then based on the effects we change accordingly.
This Loops over again as we take another action, review its effects and then change accordingly. That is the crux to living a life which you want and not a life which you currently have.
A big problem with this strategy, however, is that people find it hard to change and it takes big life events to affect us in a big way and make us change.
This is a characteristic intrinsic in all humans, they are unwilling to change. It takes a lot of pain to change oneself. And this is why we suffer from an “existential crisis” sometimes in life.
Now comes the golden question. How to handle this? The journey of a million miles always starts with the first step. When dealing with a personal crisis start by making a list of things which are bothering you at that particular moment, quantify your fears and anxiety.
Knowing your problems is the starting step to fixing them. Side by side you should also make a list of things you are thankful for. If you have a choice between keeping things bottled up or talking to someone who cares about you, you should always choose the latter no matter how difficult you think the decision is.
When you are dealing with your own personal crisis always remember one golden rule. It’s always better to suffer the pain of discipline than to suffer the pain of regret. So, do try to change In life. Do you think you know existential crisis better? Do share you thoughts with us!
We strive for success in our life, no matter where we are. From education to a fancy-dress competition, maybe a debate, or our career we settle in. No matter what age, or position we all strive for success. Who runs a race for coming second? (Well, maybe if it is fixed) No one otherwise ever plans on coming second. Though it is nearly impossible to get the First position every time. But we work hard for it, we fail again and work harder. Like Ants!! At least that’s what we have always been told to do, ever since we are young. Success and failures and again the success, a vicious circle.
Success and the Successor: Mentor And Role Model
Oscar Wilde once quoted, “What seems to us as bitter trials are often blessings in disguise”. On this journey to our self-improved life, we encounter various struggles. These struggles shape us in the perfect mold. But as it rightly said, you cannot do all by yourself.
There comes an importance of having a role model or a mentor in your life. I am sure you must have heard it a lot of times from your parents, elder siblings, teachers and who not. To succeed, have a role model. I don’t deny it either.
A mentor and role model, not only guide you but helps you to discover the need to succeed in your life. Throughout our life, we need someone to support us, or maybe just to share our feelings. As a child, we have our parents, then as we move ahead we enlarge that personal space and include our best friends, partner, family etc.
Similarly, as we move ahead in our career, we need someone to be there. This mentor or role model helps us identify where we are, where we are supposed to go and what be our first aid kit in times of failure.
Illustration by Nagma Khan
We tend to admire our role model and imitate their success. We would like to imitate their success. They may be great achievers in their professional life or could be people depicting an exemplary character in personal life.
It is seen that role models have a fantasy like an achievement. It might be impossible for us to replicate their success in our life. Usually, these are people whom you observe and then consider what you could do differently idolizing them, that would enhance your life.
Most often, the role models we have in our life are famous celebrities, sportspersons, famous political leaders, successful entrepreneurs or businessman and many more according to your likes and preferences whom you idolize.
Illustration by Nagma Khan
On the other hand, a mentor is a trusted adviser. They exist in the reality than just in a fantasy world. They help you in guiding towards the future goals of your life and mold your personal and professional lives. They provide you with a positive direction in your life.
This cannot be done in a day, they have to be around for a long time, as building character is a long-term task.
It is thus important to choose a mentor who has more experience than you and who is around you more often. An elder family member like a parent or sibling is, therefore, the best choice at a young age.
Choosing a neighbor is also a good option. But, as you grow up and choose a profession, only someone from that field can help you best, therefore a senior colleague or a supervisor willing to mentor you is the most desirable course.
We get inspiration from Role Models but Mentors inspire us and truly impact our lives. They come and go as we move ahead in our lives with our varied personal and professional goals.
Considering my own example, I have had many role models and mentors. During my early childhood, I admired Kalpana Chawla and looked up to her achievements, then at another stage of my life, it was Yuvraj Singh.
Currently, I consider Dr. A.P.J Abdul Kalam as my role model. Whereas, if I talk about my mentors, I consider my teacher, my parents and siblings to be in that role. They have been there throughout my life.
They have guided, inspired, and motivated me to lead me to where I am today. Now, the question arises that how should one choose a mentor in life? I am pretty sure that you will agree that none would apply to it if posted this job on naukri.com, or in any newspaper. But, trust me it is not that difficult to choose a mentor in your life.
There are a few simple things you ought to remember while choosing a mentor. Before going through these steps, remember a cautionary statement. It is certainly not necessary that they have to be from your field of study or interest only.
- Do you need them to be present around you often? If yes, look around. Find out who inspires you. Who do you think is most likely your idol?
- After choosing, remember as much as they are willing to share their experiences, knowledge, skills, and expertise. You should also be equally willing to gain from it as much as you can. Remember you are not being fed here. You are just being taught how to cook.
- The last but not the least, make it a point that having a mentor does not give you a guarantee for a successful career/life. They just give you enough strength to carry on even if you fail.
Well, I hope this will help you to find the best role model/mentor as you may need and desire in your life. Good Luck!! Hopefully in times to come as you lead ahead in your life you make a great role model and mentor for those around you.
Success and the Successor: Mentor and Role Model. Do you think this matter? Leave your thoughts in the comment section below.
Weasleys’ Wizard Wheezes sells 30 minutes Patented Daydream Charms to Hogwarts students so that they don’t have to suffer unprofitable boredom listening to school lectures. The daydream takes them to another level of consciousness completely aloof from the surroundings. But the side-effects will include vacant expressions and minor drooling. This is a fantasy in the surreal world of Harry Potter.
In our dimension of reality, the Patented Daydream Charms may not be an actuality but, the daydreams are. Humans don’t need any charms or amulets to experience it. This natural phenomenon is called Mind Wandering.
Illustration by Nagma Khan
Haven’t you ever found yourself lost while attending a lecture in a classroom? How embarrassing it has been when the professor suddenly asks something and you were unable to respond, lost in your own thoughts. It would even get more embarrassing if you were unable to recall the time since your mind got distracted.
Mind wandering is experienced very frequently. It occurs even in those situations where it is risky to lose one’s attention, such as driving. When the mind wanders, an individual’s attention drifts from the current thought (usually an external task) to inner thoughts and images that are unrelated to the present situation. The thoughts that occur during mind wandering are often known to reflect either the past experiences or future contemplation.
During mind wandering one’s thoughts usually, border between conscious and pre-conscious levels.
- Conscious Level consists of those thoughts, feelings, and perceptions with which one is fully aware at the present moment.
- Pre-conscious Level contains those thoughts and feelings about which one is not aware of at the present moment but can easily retrieve them with some effort.
Illustration by Nagma Khan
Mind Wandering happens to people of all ages. Research says that people tend to spend somewhere between 25%-50% of their waking hours engaged in thoughts that are unrelated to here and now. (Killingsworth & Gilbert 2010).
Although mind wandering may distract one’s mind, or make them feel lost, it is not always bad to let it happen. The content of the thoughts determines whether it has a positive or negative effect in daily life.
For instance, thinking about how your meeting may go or planning a holiday may help you plan for future events more smoothly. But at the same time thinking about past failures or how things could have gone the other way are less likely to be helpful, and may, in fact, exacerbate states of worry or unhappiness leading to stress. Thus mind wandering has both costs and benefits.
Mind Wandering may benefit by:
- Allowing one to focus on the future and reflect on the past. Thus, consciously allowing one to connect past and future self together.
- Providing creative inspiration and help produce novel solutions to various problems.
- Consolidating self-memories (Smallwood et al., 2011) and linking to a style of long-term decision making characterized by patients rather than impulsiveness (Smallwood et, 2013).
- Helping one to de-stress themselves. When stuck in the stressful situation, one should let their mind wander. Living in the fantasy world (of course with certain limits) may help to overcome the stress.
Although mind-wandering helps in enhancing creativity, planning, and organization, it may be unpleasant for individuals who experience it and is disruptive to the task at hand.
Some of the Detriments of mind-wandering may include:
- It may interfere with and disrupt the on-going task performance and may reduce external vigilance (McVay and Kane, 2009).
- It can also be a marker for certain psychiatric problems such as Dysphoria (a state of unease or dissatisfaction). Smallwood, O’Connor, and Heim (2005) suggested that when the ruminative style of thinking is combined with negative mood, it may strengthen the association between mind-wandering and #dysphoria.
- Moreover, it has been suggested that mind wandering often accompanies an unhappy mood as thinking about the past enhances adverse emotions especially if the past has negative connotations. Thus mind wandering may have maladaptive consequences for health and may impact psychological well-being. There has been substantial evidence suggesting that people who experience more mind-wandering suffer more from increased depressive symptomology (Smallwood et al 2007) and report less life satisfaction (Mar et al., 2012).
In order to reduce the detrimental effects of mind wandering the following techniques can be taken into account:
- ‘Meditation’ is one of the obvious technique. It helps one to enhance concentration abilities which allows one to focus more on the current task or activity.
- ‘Mindfulness in action techniques’ is another way to bring mindfulness into the activities of everyday life. These techniques are especially good for those who have very low impulse control and distress tolerance. For instance, according to Linehan (2003), one technique could be focusing awareness on an aspect of physical habit which was previously outside one’s conscious awareness. Example:
- Noticing how tight you hold the steering wheel while driving.
- Being aware of what happens to your breathing or voice tone in an argument.
- Killingsworth, M. A. & Gilbert, D. T. (2010). A wandering mind is an unhappy mind. Science Volume 330, 932–932.
- Mooneyham, B.W., & Schooler, J.W. (2013).The costs and benefits of mind-wandering: A review, Canadian Journal of Experimental Psychology, Volume 67, 1, 11–18.
- Smallwood, J., O’Connor, R. C., & Heim, D. (2005). Rumination, dysphoria and subjective experience, Imagination, cognition and personality, Volume 24(4), 355-367.
- Smallwood, J., & Schooler, J.W. (2015). The Science of Mind Wandering: Empirically Navigating the Stream of Consciousness, Annual Review, Volume 66, 487-518.
- Smallwood, J., and Hanna, J.A., (2013). Not all minds that wander are lost: the importance of a balanced perspective on the mind-wandering state, Frontiers in Psychology, Volume 4.
Welcome to BrainPundits, readers. It gives us great pleasure to enter the blog ecosphere. Here at blog.brainpundits.com, we’ll be talking about personality, career, and intellect.
Meet The Team
There will be a comprehensive discussion of personality traits. We have on our team, two bright psychologists who will share their professional opinion on the common problems faced in work and home life. Other topics will include career advice for higher secondary, graduation and post-graduation students.
Ms. Hiba Irfan is working as a Research Analyst at BrainPundits. She has completed her graduation in Psychology from Lady Shri Ram College for Women, University of Delhi and her post-graduation from Jamia Millia Islamia. She has been awarded a gold medal for her Master’s program from the University, for her outstanding academic performance.
Her professional areas of interests include Clinical Psychology, Psychometrics-test construction, and Research in the field. Prior to joining Brain Pundits, she worked with AIIMS, New Delhi in the Department of Pediatrics as an intern Clinical Psychologist. She is an avid reader and an aspiring traveler.
Ms. Nupur Gosain, Research Analyst-Psychology, BrainPundits Technologies Private Limited, is an alumnus of the Department of Psychology, University of Delhi. She is currently pursuing her Doctoral Degree from Manav Rachna International University in the field of career and emotional intelligence. She started her career as a Junior Research Officer in Center for Assessment, Evaluation, and Research (CAER) a PPP venture of C.B.S.E and Pearson India and later shifted as an Assistant Professor (Psychology) in Manav Rachna International University.
With a background and core interest in Organizational Behavior, Educational Research, Positive Psychology, Training, and Development she shifted her field of work from Teaching. With around three years’ experience in Education and Research, her field of involvement in psychology varies across different fields such as Feedback Mechanisms, Emotional Intelligence, Career Transitions, Mid-Career, Testing, Psychometrics, Personality Development, Soft-Skills. She is energetic and active in learning and discovering the field of Psychology and prefers experimenting. In her spare time, she likes to write, read biographies, fiction etc.
Simran Kalsi is working as an R&D Analyst at BrainPundits. She completed her graduation in 2009 in Computer Science and Engineering. Her interests include writing, photography, movies, and music.
We hope to help you by bringing a positive change in your life. Do also visit our website to take a free test on personality traits.