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How to cope up with shame, if you are a school or college student

Cope up with ShameReading Time: 3 minutes

Shame is generally associated with the idea of degrading self worth. If it strikes us at school or college it tends to leave a deeper impact. Many of us  find ourselves gripped into it so much so that that there seems to be no escape to the agony caused just by merely existing. The more you think the more it affects you. But how to cope up with shame, if you are a school or college student ? 

What is shame ?

Shame, needless to say is a negative emotion. One that changes your view about yourself. By that I mean one begins to feel a sense of disgust about themselves. Subsequently, we start to think of ourselves as worthless, start to hate ourselves, try to isolate and avoid situations which triggers the incident which caused shame. 

But what triggers shame ?

It could be anything which is associated with your self worth. Shame can make you do things that you don’t realise you are doing. For example, if you see your hair thinning. You automatically start to sit at places where there dim light or poor light so that people don’t notice your thinning. You begin to avoid social events and embarrassing situations.

How serious is shame ?

Serious enough to lower your self esteem. Give you a disorder. Put you into social isolation. So, It has to be dealt with concern and understanding. Shame can have an ever lasting impact. 

Shame is a powerful experience/ emotion. In many cases it was found that it was linked to eating disorders, social isolation, mood disorder, depression, stuttering, addiction and obesity. PTSD (Post Traumatic Stress Disorder), Bipolar disorder, Borderline, Avoidant personality disorder etc are some of the very serious disorders associated with shame. These are serious issues that bring affect both personality and self esteem. 

Difference between shame, guilt, embarrassment ?

Not to forget, shame is what adversely affects your identity and self worth. Where as guilt is a form of repent/regret concerning an action which you committed both real and imaginary. Embarrassment is state of temporary discomfort caused due socially frowned upon acts, behaviors, reactions etc. 

 

When one talks about intensity of the 3 :

Shame >>> Guilt>> Embarrassment

Can one develop sensitivity to shame ?

From an early age we develop sensitivity to shame. As children we are taught or cultured into acceptable behaviors and acts. We as children are brought in those values which specifies some acts as forbidden/taboo and others acceptable. 

An example, as a child a simple act of not being able to control and urinating in pants/shorts in school can cause shame as disgust towards him/herself. Contemptuous and scornful behavior can result in feelings of disgust and low self worth from an early. These unfortunate incidents caused embarrassment but it translated into shame. 

Incidents like physical, mental abuse can have life lasting impacts. 

How you may ask ?

  1. Children keep mocking.
  2. Thought re-occurrence.
  3. Triggers which reminded of the act.

It is important to mention that its impact may differ from child to child meaning it may vary because of both intrinsic and extrinsic factors.

Another example (in adults),

Consider an obese person who avoids going out. They were fat shamed whenever they go out. This makes them avoid going out all together. In some cases they may fall into a vicious cycle of developing a disorder probably an eating disorder. 

How to cope up with shame?

If the incident has to happen or happened only sometime back :

Shame is like a  parasite, better to address it sooner. If you have experienced any guilt shame or embarrassment. Talking about it with your mother might just be the best thing. As a student, especially in adolescence we try to keep matter by ourselves. Incidents which seem any of three must be shared with Mother.

General nature of mothers which is of care – concern, works like an antibiotic when you tell her. No matter how old you are.

If you for some reason cannot talk about it with your mother then talk about it with your closest friend who you think understands you the best. 

Change the labels in mind :

Mistake and unfortunate events happen. The thoughts which degrades your self worth should be replaced consciously, example : “I am good for nothing” should be replaced by “I Made a mistake, I can improve.” 

Stop Hating yourself :

You are only making it worse. Feelings of disgust, hate, degrading thoughts will only suck you in deep into the cycle of negativity and depressive thoughts. Understand that in this case emotions at best serve an indication of something is not correct with your psychology/ well being. You can improve your state by replacing those negative thought cycles with positive ones.

If you have been struggling with shame for a long time :

Better to see a doctor. This also is a good enough reason to go to the doctor. So, don’t feel embarrassed or suppress any indication that stress provides.

  1. Counselling 
  2. Therapy (CBT etc)

Both can help alleviate suffering or reduce discomfort which experienced daily by an individual.   

Read also Coping up with embarrassment ?

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Coping up with embarrassment at school or college

Reading Time: 3 minutes

Coping up with embarrassment at school or college is a challenge. I am sure everyone at least once have faced an embarrassing moment or shame in their life. These moments for many of us have either occurred in our school or colleges. Both embarrassment and shame is associated to our self esteem. Not to forget guilt is another factor associated to our self esteem. Where as an embarrassment is relatively temporary less harmful to our self esteem. Shame on the other hand can have a debilitating impact on self esteem. 

It presents a challenge especially when we are in school or college. We have a reputation or an identity which gets threatened if we find ourselves in embarrassment or shame. It creates insecurity which might lead to, us getting labelled with inferior tags in school or college. More concerning issue is that we can’t escape college or school so we have to face insults, may be on a daily basis (at least this is what we feel)

What is embarrassment ?

Anything that can cause you to look inferior, which ridicules you or makes you look like a fool can be called as embarrassing moment. Some of these moments might be light-hearted and some of them serious. In most cases their effect is ephemeral  i.e the people will tend to forget it sooner or later (if its happened in public)

However, this is not the case with shame. The problem of shame can last longer or in some cases a lifetime. Not to forget both attack our identity 

What is shame ?

Shame, needless to say it is a negative emotion. One that changes your view about yourself. By that I mean one begins to feel a sense of disgust about themselves. Subsequently, we start to think of ourselves as worthless, start to hate ourselves, try to isolate and avoid situations which triggers the incident which caused shame. 

Shame is a powerful experience/ emotion. In many cases it was found that it was linked to eating disorders, social isolation, mood disorder, depression, stuttering and obesity. These are serious and grievous issues that bring affect both personality and self esteem. 

The article suggests general coping strategies for both embarrassment and shame. 

Coping with embarrassment :

You can laugh it out 

No matter what happens we can always get out of embarrassment. Embarrassment are associated with acts everyone relates to. For example, almost everyone has tripped or slipped. 

Many of us have tripped at public places. Tripping at public place is perfect case of embarrassment being caused. Here if you have done something which has caused embarrassment and if people start laughing around you. You start to laugh with them. Follow on reaction will be minimized. You yourself would feel better and mood alleviated. 

So, in school if you trip and your peers start laughing you laugh with them. In a day or two everyone will forget since there is no fun in your reciprocation.

Let it play out

Know that everyone has been in one or more embarrassing situations during their lifetimes. These instances happen to everyone. Sometimes they happen in private and sometimes in public. In public they can make us feel inferior but it’s alright. To err is human (and its not even a mistake). If the public is reacting in a way that embarrasses you further. Truth be told there is nothing you can do. Only thing you can do is let it play out by not reacting to what people around you are throwing at you. 

Sooner or later that incident that caused you embarrassment will be forgotten. Since your reactions are not very encouraging for your mates to joke about repeatedly. It will subside. 

Remember, in both the cases. Never give a reaction which indicates that you are ashamed or are unsettled. This only aggravates or makes it worse. Next time in an embarrassing situation use these two statements:

  1. For instances like played loud music in library, or phone rang in meeting. Just say sorry.
  2. For instances such as tripping, slipping, hello to strangers etc. Just say Ahh! My luck.

 

Another important rule to observe is one should get out embarrassing situation as fast as they can. The more you wait the more sorry your state gets. Better to get out of the situation the earliest. 

To conclude, 

So, these we some important pointers that certainly helps coping and getting out embarrassing situations. The next part of the article will discuss how to cope up with shame.

Read also, Top fellowships with their criteria in India
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Coping with embarrassment

 

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10 Mantras to follow before you go for any exam

brainpundits study tipsReading Time: 3 minutes

Examination times are times dread. We become anxious, nervous and stressed. As the time comes near we get busy in studying harder to finish our revision so as to feel better. That good feeling has to carry it to the exam hall. 

Examinations are a vital part of education system. It tests students ability to understand and learn. In India even if you are under 19 years of age, you probably would have given near about 30+ examinations up till now. 

Not to forget they are an important part of your life. Since their occurrences is much to often and hard to ignore. 

The article will discuss on what to do during the last few days of exam till the final day (perhaps a week before an exam to exam day). Many of us miss out on important details and then fail due to various reasons which would have not been the case if you hadn’t missed out on it. 

 

So, here are 10 Mantras you should keep in mind before giving an exam

  • Revision of the essence, if you have any new concept or left over course then first finish your work and then read if you have time. Do not study new concept a day before exam, facts and less complex concept can don’t bombard yourself with it. Poor outcome.

 

  • Don’t discuss with your friends what you have read during a week before exam. If you feel there is a need to talk to your friends then only talk about things other than your exam.

 

 

  • Eat healthy and sleep healthy. Best to try good food and restaurant dining post exam. Since, you don’t want to upset your stomach.

  • Cool off time should be taken. Make use of free time to cool off. Best to engage in activities that are less intensive. You should be doing leisure activities. 

  • Mental revisions are helpful, see the topic and try to recall what it talks about. If you say it right then you are doing well.

  • Read all the exam instructions carefully, follow it to the rule. If there is any dress code mention then follow it. If it says to bring a particular type of pen. Exam time should not be disturbed. Don’t break any rule as it would bring attention of invigilators and can cause disruption.

 

  •  If required, take a printout of your exam call letter or admit card. Prepare yourself well, after all you are going for a battle. Be it mental.

  • Don’t engage in nervous eating, make sure that even on exam day you eat less spicy and staple food but not too less or too much.

  • Take blessings of your elders, Luck matters in an exam. Many exams are cleared when luck is with us. What better way can be to have blessings of elders. After what we need most during exams is luck, especially during exam times.

 

 

Hope you liked

Best of luck !!!

Read also How to read a book ?

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Use Ebbinghaus forgetting curve to memorize better

Reading Time: 2 minutes

 

Believe it or not forgetting is natural part of learning anything.

 

Hermann Ebbinghaus, German Psychologist, is credited with research on forgetting when learning. Ebbinghaus had discovered that much of what we read/learn is forgotten during the first hour of learning itself.

 

Memory works in a way, that it remembers meaningful information more easily and it stays longer than meaningless information. Meaningless information is simply any information which is not in use for brain or has run out it utility. Example, it could be that information which you read for an exam and post examination have problem recalling it. Mind has an intriguing way or remembering and rejecting information. 

 

Ebbinghaus had conducted experiment for both meaningful and meaningless retention. However, Meaningless information is important for us to study because by knowing why we forget our course material we would be able to understand and find solutions for it.

 

Below is retention (y-axis) vs time lapsed (x-axis) graph

 fig. 1

In figure 1, Notice the retention drops substantially in the first hour itself. Much of what we learnt (around 80 percent) is forgotten after 2 days only. This is found to be natural and universal, meaning all exhibit this phenomenon with little variations.

However, Good news is that you can change it by disrupting the pattern exhibited in Curve.

 

READ also SQ3R method of studying

Key essence is to minimise forgetting is periodic revisions of course/lectures/study material

Figure 2 Image from www.salesactivator.com/resources/blog/impactful-curve-forgetting/

 

The point is to revise periodically whatever you have  studied or read. The periodic revisions will help you retain better with least amount of mental effort.

Best way to do it is

  1. Revise after learning it once, or after attending a lecture.
  2. Again, Revise a day after your have learnt it.
  3. Again, Revise a week later.
  4. And Again, Revise a 28 days/month after learning.

In figure 2, notice that at approximately 75 percent on the y-scale (retentivity) there is an acute fall in remembering/retention. So after every learning session you should revise/review the course/notes/study material.

 

Hermann Ebbinghaus, has provided a gainful insight on how are memory works and how forgetting happens. The stressing viewpoint here is that this forgetting can be subject to change and you can maximize your learning.

Goodluck!!!

 

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6 Tips to Cope with Bullying

BullyingReading Time: 3 minutes

Do you have kids who are facing the problem of bullying at school or at the workplace? Bullying is a very common thing in almost all spheres of spaces. In this post, we will talk about how you or your child can tackle it. Read on.

 

We all experience some form of bullying in almost all the spaces. It is a common phenomenon which if not tackled well can lead to psychological issues later in life.

Constant bullying can lead to having traumatic consequences, especially for a child. It can lead to abnormal behaviour, anxiety, to poor school performance as well. Hence, it is important to face bullying and the bully head on.

 

Definition

Now, first try to understand what bullying is all about. It is a repeated and an aggressive behaviour. It normally involves real or imagined power imbalance. No matter whether intentional or not, it ends up delivering physical and psychological harm to the other person.

It is mainly of three types. First, is by name-calling. It is the most common forms of bullying. It often is a rude taunt and also threats of violence. Second, is the exclusion of one from activities and embarrassing in front of others. And finally, there is physical bullying which includes slapping, hitting etc.

Now, the act of bullying can be done by anyone – a woman, a man, boy or a girl. It can happen anywhere – at the home, at the school, between siblings or even at the workplace. So, it’s not strictly a phenomenon of the school.

 

Tips

 

Being Confident

Confidence

The source of a bully’s power is the other person’s lack of confidence. They will lose their grip over you if stand up and be confident. If you speak with self-confidence to them, they might start respecting you and also change their behaviour around you. Be as firm as possible and that may do the trick.

 

Stay Connected

Friendship

A mechanism used by the bully is to make the victims feel alone and powerless. So, the best way, especially for a child, is to make more friends and stay connected. It helps as with more friends one feels safe and also gains self-confidence to face the bully.

 

Use of Language

 

Experts also suggest that it is advisable to use an assertive tone and an unemotional one. This means to let the bully know that you are affected by his/her behaviour but you do not intend to remain a victim of his/her bullying.

 

Set Limits

Also, the trick is to remain calm and polite when dealing with bullies but also setting right limits. Do not let the bully get under your skin as that is what he/she wants. You can try practicing your response so you are prepared the next time you face your bully.

 

Act Quickly and Consistently

 

The power of the bully depends on how long the bully has power over a victim. As time grows, the power of the hold grows. So, it is advisable to confront your bully as early as possible. Usually the bully starts early by name-calling or teasing, so confront him/her here.

 

Be Cool and Bide Your Time

 

In some cases, it is also better to avoid the bully altogether and just wait till he/her gets bored. As exchanging hostilities might just result even harmer responses. So, it is better to have a cool head and try to meet the bully in a calmer environment and have a normal conversation.

 

 

To Conclude

While these tips are good and can help you but in case if they do not, then you need to step up and contact a person of authority. As continuing being bullied can lead to disastrous consequences.

These tips also do not address the person that is the bully. What situations and circumstances have made him/her the way they are? These questions are also important to ask as they are a product of our society. But this post cannot answer such questions. So, till then cheers and keep exploring yourself with Brainpundits!

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Positive Parenting: for Right Career Selection for your Children

positive parentingReading Time: 4 minutes

 

Positive Parenting

What is positive parenting? What comes to your mind when you hear the word good parenting? Majority of the children are born ‘gifted’ and merely require the correct career path to become ‘geniuses’. Alan Arkin, an American – Actor compares career to a large ocean and choosing career option to deciding which wave to take and which not to take.

Some waves are big and some small, going is sometimes rough and sometimes calm and life certainly is not a steady march to glory….Then the big question is how to discover and exercise the right choice?

If seniors try to compel their children to select a stream according to their own choices, for which their children do not have the least interest, the result may sometimes be disastrous. Most parents wish their children to make them proud and be rich and famous.

They perceive their offsprings to be an extension of themselves, considering them as an entity rather than individual in their own rights, with needs and desires of their own.

Parents have a vital role in building a right career for their children. Parents are justified to wish their teenagers all the success and the best ‘survival instinct of the fittest’ in the modern world is to be equipped with the right career path.

But, are the parents equipped to play the right role as career guides for their children? A simple reality is that the world is a very different place today, to the one which was faced by parents when making study, training or career-related decisions regarding themselves. Positive parenting is about understanding the need of a child.

New jobs are being created all the time, and it seems many naukaris open to young people today didn’t even exist a decade ago. Over the last twenty years or so, the school, college and career search process has become extremely complicated, to be left to individual families to explore!
In this complex world, who then is helping your child to discover the right subjects or opt for correct career selection? Fortunately, there are many avenues today like advertisements, internet, u-tubes, websites and people involved in the process including teachers, career counselors, and tutors etc. The challenge is that they may have their own biases and perspective, against which we need to protect the child.

Then there is peer pressure and herd mentality to ward off. In this entire gamut, what is definitely missing is a scientific method for effective stream and career selection. So what should a father or mother do? Whom to consult? What method to adopt? so that there is less likelihood of making a mistake and there are more chances of success.

 

Positive Parenting Continue reading Positive Parenting: for Right Career Selection for your Children